Oh My…

Let’s talk depression, pregnancy, and my favorite, hormones.
Look, it’s midnight. I’m crying. Why? Part of me says it’s because my husband is states away on our one year wedding anniversary and the other half of me pegs it on pregnancy hormones.
Whatever it is, it blows.
If you know me…you know I am pretty raw in my writing. I feel that’s the best way to connect with those around me. Some may say I take it too far. I say it’s just enough.
Pregnancy is seriously amazing. And I can’t complain about anything about my pregnancy. My pregnancy has been so smoothe thus far and it’s been wonderful. Exhausting yes. But nothing painful, aching, or anything of the sorts. 
Depression, anxiety, and pregnancy hormones however…they truly aren’t fun mixed together.
The hormones are seriously real y’all. Seriously. I can’t even begin to explain the crazy that has gone on in my brain some days during this pregnancy. And no, I don’t mean psycho crazy. I mean a complete and total train wreck. I mean emotional goddess over here.
The emotions are insane. It’s an exciting yet nerve wracking time. And I’m laying here thinking about anything and everything that is making my heart rate and blood pressure go up. 
I guess hitting a dark hole has happened more than I would like to admit this pregnancy. 
Sure, I may have that “glow” to a point…as some people may put it. But on the inside some days I feel anything but glowing.
Let’s be real. Pregnancy is hard. Even if you have a pretty smoothe sailing ship like mine.
It’s hard watching your body change. It’s hard not being able to breathe when baby kicks your lungs non stop. It’s hard sneezing and peeing on yoursef(admit it you’ve been there too). It’s hard being a complete and total emotional bucket case. It’s hard having boobs leaking some kind of stuff all over the place. There are a lot of hard things that go along with it.
Hormones just seem to hit the nail on the head for me. They are powerful. They are overwhelming. They are what made me want to toss the bassinet out the window when I was trying to put it together the other day. They are what made me throw myself on the floor like a three year old and cry when the bassinet instructions weren’t clear enough for my liking. 
When you feel down and low. It sucks. When you feel helpless. It sucks. 
I’m raw. I’m honest. And this part of pregnancy isn’t pretty. It’s one of those things you just don’t talk about much. But I choose to. I talk about the ugly side of things. The real side. Because it isn’t all cute belly bump pictures. It isn’t all cute pregnancy fashion. You don’t see the tears that were shed while trying to pick out that cute pregnancy outfit that just so happens to be one of the only thing that fits right. You don’t see the struggle looking into the mirror before th bump picture was taken. 
Don’t get me wrong. Th I bump pictures and the cute pregnancy fashion and all thcute pretty and fun things that come along with pregnancy are great and all. But there are sides that aren’t pretty too. The bruised ribs, the morning sickness, the weakened amune system, the sneezes where you pee a little, the constant peeing…some may pick to not talk about these things. But I refuse to pretend they don’t exist. 
Just like these hormones. That really do exist. That make me lay for hours and just feel really sad. Sometimes there are reasons and sometimes there aren’t. Sometimes it’s like sinking into sadness that you just don’t feel anyone will understand. And if they haven’t been here…they just can’t understand. 
So let’s be real here. There is always an ugly side to things. There is. But it’ll be okay. It will. 
I needed to get that out tonight. I’ll probably not sleep tonight. Because when sadness takes over comes lack of sleep. That’s okay. I better get use to it. Come January my sleep will be few and far between I am sure.
Thanks for reading,


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