“An angel in the Book of Life wrote down my baby’s birth & whispered as she closed the Book: “Too beautiful for this Earth”
As most of you know back in February of this year, I miscarried.
I wasn’t extremely far along when it happened. It was still just as painful. It was mentally and physically painful.
Before my miscarriage I was extremely uneducated on pregnancy and what all came along with it. Who knew that something so incredibly common could be so incredibly complicated. I mean come on, it is what keeps the human race going! Right?!
I started to research pregnancy. I of course, wanted to know exactly why I miscarried. I obviously would come up flat in my search. I did however discover just how complicated pregnancy and getting pregnant is.
When I talk about my views changing I don’t mean in a way of feeling that the baby is actually a baby. I have always and still do believe a baby is a baby the minute the baby is conceived.
When I say my views changed. I mean in a way of viewing pregnancy. I knew how precious of a gift it was before this miscarriage of course. After all, I did have a precious baby girl almost 6 years ago.
I view pregnancy as complicated and delicate. After I miscarried we kept on trying to get pregnant. It took a while for my body to prepare itself again. It was frustrating and I can’t even begin to imagine the pain and frustration that women who struggle to get pregnant feel. It was rough for those months. When a period would come, I would cry. I would feel defeated. Is my body broken? Is something wrong with me? Am I one of those cases where my body can only have one baby and then it decided it can’t handle more?
I researched and obsessed over every single possible possibility. Every possibility of why I miscarried and why I didn’t get pregnant right away. I wanted to look inside my body and know what the heck was going on.
I learned a lot of facts of things that had to line up to get pregnant. What all it takes to get pregnant and what all it takes to keep a baby inside you. It is such a delicate process.
I learned that miscarriage doesn’t usually have an answer. I will never know why my body wasn’t ready to carry our baby. I will not know what caused it. I did everything right. From the day I got pregnant I ate all the right things, I kept on working out just the same as before, I felt great! I didn’t however feel a single symptom. I didn’t feel pregnant. I thought maybe it was all the right things I was doing. I was fit this time around so everything MUST be going fine.
Miscarriage made me feel like a failure as a women. Until I learned that miscarriage is a way of saving your body or the babies body from further damage. As terrible as it feels to say that. It is true. Your body is so smart it realizes something is wrong or could be wrong in the future. Sometimes your body doesn’t even form the baby itself. It just forms the sack and that is all. These things don’t make it any easier. But to me, they helped a tiny bit in understanding the nature of it all. It helped calm me and settle me.
Through it all I have learned that pregnancy is so beautiful and so very complicated. We can do all the right things. We can do everything in our power to grow a happy and healthy baby. In the end though, it isn’t up to us. Pregnancy isn’t something we can control. I learned this through it all as well.
If you know me personal or follow me on facebook or instagram. You probably already know that I am pro life. I have always believed how precious pregnancy and the life growing inside of you is. Losing my baby and having a rough time getting pregnant after opened my eyes even more to the sadness I truly didn’t fully understand before. It only made my views on abortion stronger if anything.
For my friends I know who can’t get pregnant, it made my heart ache for them. It made me cry for them. It made me realize the true pain my friends were feeling. And I felt it on a short term scale.
I promised myself if and when I did get pregnant that I would enjoy every single day the baby was growing in my belly. I also decided I wouldn’t stress about miscarriage. I learned there was nothing in my control with pregnancy. I learned it is out of my control. I learned that stressing about it would only make it worse. Letting go of the stress of my pregnancy was the best thing I could have done. I won’t lie. There were times where I first found out that I was pregnant I would go to the bathroom and anticipate to be losing the baby. It was terrible. It was a process learning to let go and to not be scared. Whatever happened was up to God, not me. It was out of my hands.
Everything will be alright. I learned that as well.
Thanks for reading,