A loss so heavy you feel it in the depths of your bones.
I didn’t know you for very long. In fact, I hardly knew you at all.
I laughed for you. I giggled with your daddy as we talked about how we hoped you’d be a boy.
I started to feel the signs of you growing inside of me. I became tired, nauseated, and oh boy how swollen my body started to become.
The excitement I felt for you. It was beyond anything I’ve ever felt before.
I carried your tiny little life inside of me for 6 short weeks. Those 6 weeks were filled with planning, excitement, joy, love and so many other emotions.
My world was rocked. Nothing felt wrong. Nothing felt off. I was having the usual cramps I had been having.
It came and it went. And so did you. Before I could get a grip on what was happening, it did.
Your little life was no longer inside of me. You were no longer growing inside of me. It’s been 6 days. 6 days since it started. 6 days until my heart slowly started to shatter. When you left my body you took a piece of me with you. Though I know you are in heaven with the one who spoke you into being. You are with the one that my heart longs for. You are blessed little one.
As painful as it is now, those 6 weeks were worth it. Worth every second. I held you inside me for 6 weeks and I will hold you in my heart for an entire lifetime. I never knew if you were a boy or a girl. I never got to see your tiny heart beating. I never got to see your tiny body take shape.
But you have changed my life. And as I said, I will carry you in my heart for my whole lifetime.
I can’t even begin to describe the feeling my heart has. The ache my arms have to hold you in them.
I had plans. I was going to stay up rocking you. Feeding you. I had plans to paint your nursery. I had plans for you and your sister Allie. I had dreams and hopes. In 6 short weeks my mind was planning, hoping, praying and loving.
I have known tragedy on many levels. I have been pained from a lot of things in this short lifetime. I have never felt this pain like the pain of losing you.
There will be no high school graduation. There will be no birthdays. There will be no firsts or anything of that nature.
It hurts. It still hurts. And in some ways I think it always will. I had no idea the pain physically and mentally it brings. I had no idea until it happened to me.
And I won’t keep this a secret. I won’t sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn’t happen to me.
I’m 1 in 4 women. That’s how common it is. And I won’t sit and hide it.
I’m so thankful for the excitement we shared though short it was. I’m thankful.
And I will share my tragedy. I will share my emotions and feelings. If you’re 1 in 4 also, you’re not alone. And it will be okay. As the world continues on, you learn to coupe. You learn that everything is alright. You grieve and you learn.
Tragedy comes in life. It comes hard and most of the time it comes so quickly you aren’t sure what hit you.
It’s a painful process. If you let it though it can grow you into someone you never even imagined you could be. You can take the pain and the heartache and you can grow.
I love growth. I have studied my own growth and watched as I learned from hard situations. Never give in or give up my friends, you’ve got this. Own your story as I have said before. And own your life. You have one. You can never live it again.
Thanks for reading,