There was an article I read recently about letting go of fitness in a sense. Or maybe in better terms not obsessing over fitness.
I’ve been on a whirlwind of a fitness journey since 2011.
It’s had its numbers of ups and downs. It has challenged my body and my mind more than I could ever write about.
I clung to fitness in 2011 when my daughters father was deployed. I was a stay at home mother who had packed on a number of pounds after giving birth. An unhealthy amount of weight gain in an extremely short period of time.
I quickly became interested in losing weight. Not for the looks. Because honestly in that point in my life I did not care what I looked like. I had no sense of fashion, I barely knew how to straighten my hair or style it into any form of controlled curls. I mostly wore it in a pony tail or scrunched it the best I could. I would straighten it and leave crimps all over the place. Again, because I just didn’t care.
Mostly I started picking up fitness because it not only gave me something to do but it gave me goals to set. I started setting small goals. When I would meet one goal I would check it off and move on to the next goal. Pretty soon I was crushing goal after goal. It became addicting. I could control my body. It was about the only aspect of my life I could control at this point. I could change my body and make it what I wanted it to be.
I then became obsessed with the look of muscles. I wanted to lose “just a few more pounds” and “lean out a little more”.
More and more the vision of myself slipped into the picture. It was no longer just about crushing physical goals but it was about image goals as well.
I started measuring inches. Inches of my waist, legs, arms, and calves. At one point I even started to measure my wrist to watch it become smaller as well. It was about eating less and working out more. Running more miles and eating completely clean and tiny portions.
I wasn’t anorexic but I do know I was borderline starving my body with the amount of working out I was doing.
At one point I started to binge on food. I would eat really clean and then I would come home and binge. I would eat everything all at once. And bad things as well. Sugary things.
The guilt I would feel after these binges would be terrible. I would feel absolutely horrible. I would feel bloated and fat. There was only one solution. A workout. A hard one. A long one. One that I burn all calories off.
This became a process. Working out, eating clean and too little, binging and then working out some more.
It became unhealthy.
I still adore fitness. Fitness has saved me on so many occasions. Fitness has helped me become healthier physically and mentally. It has inspired me and it has helped to lead me to some really amazing friends.
These days though, I focus on a lot more than I use to. I’ve learned balance as well. Which was a huge problem for me before. I had to come to terms that it is okay to not be perfect in fitness. I can enjoy food and I CAN do less intense workouts and still stay in shape. I have learned a healthy balance and that’s what’s so important to me. The balance.
I’ve learn to eat healthy and enough to fuel my body for the exercises that I do. I’ve learned to give my body rest and pamper it when needed. I’ve learned that I don’t need to kill myself to try and have a six pack. That’s not worth it anymore to me.
The lengths I was willing to go to at the time to achieve the look I wanted wasn’t healthy.
I’ve embraced my curves. I’ve embraced that I don’t have stick thin legs. I’ve embraced that my muscles don’t bulge from my stomach. I’ve embraced that I have a little bit more on the backside than a lot of women.
And that’s all perfectly okay. I was made a certain way. I have a certain frame. I have curves. I have a little bit of body fat on my bones.
I get one body. I will love it and keep it healthy. It thanks me for that. However, I’m so thankful I am no longer obsessed with becoming something I’m not. I’m thankful I am no longer obsessed with my body in that unhealthy way I use to be. I am so thankful I no longer take it as far.
I’m thankful for my body and the things it does and can do on the daily for me.
Thanks for reading,